Logging, A Paradox.

I have an endo appointment scheduled for Wednesday and in preparation I am logging EVERYTHING.  This process makes me hyper-aware of the food I’m eating, how much insulin I am doing, how far in advance I take it, and how often I do actual BG tests. (As opposed to dosing based on Dex.  Yes, I am one of those people.)  After one day of logging, my BGs seem to have leveled out considerably. Which begs the question: How effective will a change made to my D-routine really be if it is based on an ideal situation (aka, a lie), rather than on reality?

I suppose it also begs the question: Why not just log all the time? But I’m sure the effect would just wear off with time and suddenly I’d have no quick fix for when my BGs have completely run away from me. Unfortunately, this logged data is what really allows any edno to see patterns and suggest changes.

What we really need is some way to record all of this data with minimal user interference.  Like an oral sensor that keeps track of carbohydrate consumption, a GPS/pedometer to keep track of physical activity, and of course the CGM and pump to record BG and insulin information.  There would be no hiding a snack or lying about the real carb count, no question about how far in advance a bolus was administered before lunch, and real time correlations between BG levels and exercise.  Can we say, “Hello, Big Brother?”  I prefer self-disclosure.

Back to the point.  Logging introduces a paradox of sorts to my doctor’s visits; I’m am presenting myself in the best case scenario when the real problem lies in the average case scenario.

Defensive

In the interest of full disclosure, I will begin by saying that I have no effing idea what is going on with D lately. No bolus is ever enough, my basals are all wrong, and I can’t stop post-prandial spikes to save my life. I am doing everything wrong and I can’t seem to fix it.  Suffice to say I am stressed and on-edge when it comes to D-talk.

I also feel that it is important for me to say at this moment that M is my best friend and biggest D-supporter. He is solely responsible for getting me off my ass 4 years ago and encouraging me to take better control of D and my life. Although it may seem a bit dramatic, he saved my life and for that (among many other things) I love him more than I am capable of expressing.

And now the story:

After spending an entire day bouncing above the “High” line on Dex, (Remember those old sing-along videos that told you to follow the bouncing ball? It kind of looked like that.) I FINALLY managed to get my BG in range, then I spent an hour LOW before beginning a slight rebound.

Although it was well beyond normal working hours, M had to head back to work for a few minutes so I decided to tag along. On our way out, I decided to check my BG and was greeted with a 156. This is not my definition of “in range” but I do still consider this to be a perfectly acceptable number. M asked to see the number, and said: “I don’t like when you’re high.” We were alone on the elevator and I got instantly defensive. I raised my voice and not-so-politely informed him that I don’t need his criticism, just as the elevator door opened with a few people on the other side. In an effort to lighten the situation I threw a smile on my face and tried to change the tone of my voice to be more light-hearted. I said; “Plus, I don’t consider 156 to be high anyway so lay off.”

When we got to the car, I apologized but the damage had already been done. I embarrassed him by yelling at him in public and not stopping the conversation the  moment I realized we weren’t alone, and I hurt his feelings by considering his remark to be judgmental. Not to mention that I apparently react this way often when he asks me about things D-related.

To make a long story short, it became a HUGE argument. I was upset that he was appearing to be unsupportive and he was upset because I hadn’t given him a chance to defend himself (I guess he saw a 356 on the screen) and always get angry with him when he believes he is simply taking interest and showing concern. It “ended” with him deciding that the only appropriate course of action is to stop asking me about D-related things and keeping his concerns and ideas to himself, and me feeling very strongly that he missed the point.

I feel terrible for having embarrassed him, and I hate that I get so defensive when D is brought up by anyone but me. I have never before let anyone so far into the inner circle of my D-life and sometimes I just feel exposed and insecure (this defensiveness I harbor is likely the reason my parents sort of gave up trying so many years ago too).

So now he says that he will listen but he won’t respond; that his mouth is from now on shut in regards to all things D.  I certainly can’t blame him for that.

But that’s SO far from what I want. I want him to listen when, like today, my BG is flat at 190 for the last 12 hours, despite not having eaten anything and having taken multiple corrections. I want him to say “That sucks. Can we fix it?” not “That’s high. Why are you that high?” The difference is subtle at best but seems huge in the moment. I need his support even when I am acting like a child and throwing up all of my defenses.  But I am being selfish; it is a lot to say:  “Please be there for me even when I treat you like shit.”  Who wouldn’t want to do that? [insert sarcasm symbol here]

I love this man and I know he loves me too.  I just hope his patience doesn’t wear out before I can learn to let down a few more of my defenses.

Casting Shadows #HAWMC Day 5

#HAWMC Day 5: Ekphrasis Post. Go to flickr.com/explore and write a post inspired by the image. Can you link it to your health focus? Don’t forget to post the image!

We all cast the same shadows in the end.
cc 1994 Eden Politte

We all cast the same shadows in the end.  The SAME shadows.  Let me phrase that a bit differently; We all cast shadows.  This is both a boringly obvious statement and one that I find to be extremely profound.  A shadow is simply a darkened space that results from light being absorbed by some object in its path.  A shadow is inevitable.  My shadow is not impacted by anything; not my choice of career, my belief, or lack there of, in any deities, my genetic heritage, or the status of my pancreas.  As Kerri, over at SUM, likes to say, “Diabetes doesn’t define me…”  My shadow is mine and it shades just as effectively as anyone else’s.

How’s that for profound? Or boringly obvious?

#HAWMC Catch-Up, Days 1-4

I signed up for #HAWMC (To quote the WEGO bloggers: “we pronounce it ‘ha-mick,’ FYI” aka Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge) couple weeks ago then promptly forgot about it.  Then, today I noticed a bunch of blogs on the same theme, remembered about the challenge, and am now playing catch up.  So, toady’s post will briefly touch on all of the prompts from days 1-4.  I hop that’s ok with everyone?  Who am I kidding – I’d like to see anyone try and stop me

So here goes nothing:

Day 1: Health Time Capsule. Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you & your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think of it when they found it?

My time capsule would include a glucometer and strips, a full set of pump stuff including an infusion site and cartridge, a Dex sensor and applicator, an of glucogon pen, a glucose tab tube, an empty insulin vial, a syringe, and lancet, and a photo of me, looking happy,  decked out in my workout gear with my pump and Dex hanging off of my sports bra.

I would hope that the D-technology of 2112 will have made most of these things obsolete and whoever finds my capsule will think that the girl in the photo must have been some sort of masochist to use such instruments of torture and consider herself lucky to have such a high standard of care.  Silly 21st Century diabetics…

Day 2: Quote Prompt. Find a quote that inspires you (either positively or negatively) and free write about it for 15 minutes.

“Your walk talks, and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.” ~Unkown

This quote is one that has been my personal mantra for as long as I’ve known it.  It is written below my Senior photo in my high school yearbook.  After googling the quote to try and uncover it’s source I found that it is most often used within a religious context.  I am not a religious person, but this quote speaks to me nonetheless.

I have never been a particularly eloquent speaker but I have made every effort to practice all that I preach.  I try to conserve water and energy.  I recycle, even when it’s inconvenient.  I try to avoid distracting internet memes while I’m at work (not doing so well at this one today).  I buy a hot coffee for the homeless guy on the street corner in the winter.  I do what I can.

And recently, I feel more confident that when people see me live my life as a diabetic, my “walk” is advocating for T1Ds everywhere.

Day 3: Superpower Day. If you had a superpower – what would it be? How would you use it?

Well, there’s the obvious: if I were a superhero, I’d be called Dr. D and I’d have the ability to jump start lazy beta cells with one blink of an eye.

But that feels like a cop-out.

I think I would actually like my superpower to be some sort of super computing brain power.  I could look at my Dex graph, consider all variables from the day and choose the exact appropriate response with a >99.9% success rate.

No variable is too obscure for Dr. D. My motto: Take that diabetes! (Said with my hands firmly on my hips, and my chin pointed high to the sky.)

I can still be called Dr. D and I would wear big black framed glasses with tape across the nose arch.  The glasses would help me channel my power and my only kryptonite would be Gluconite, a rare glucose derivative that thwarts my super cognitive abilities and coats my tongue in a fuzzy woolen sweater.

Day 4: I write about my health because… Reflect on why you write about your health for 15-20 minutes without stopping.

Like I said last time, I blog for me.  Everything else is just icing on the cake (made with real sugar, not that Splenda crap).

________________________________________________

So, here’s to hoping I make it further in this #HAWMC than I did last year!

Chatty Cathy

When my BG dips below a certain threshold, and someone asks me a question, I begin spewing fourth every bit of knowledge, gossip, and opinion that I have on the subject.  Typically this happens at home; M brings up a friend from grad school or the current Republican primary and I can’t shut up.  I’m told that this can be rather entertaining.  It’s also a huge cue for M and I that I may be low and we treat it accordingly.

But now take this situation into the lab where I work.  I wear a lab coat and purple nitrile gloves for most of the day to protect me from the many hazardous things in lab.  They also stop me from easily accessing my pump and Dex (all it takes is a quick glove change but I still find this rather annoying) and prevent me from being able to do a finger stick or eat a quick 15g at a moment’s notice.

Scene: I am in lab wearing my labcoat and gloves with Dex yelling loudly at me every 5 minutes.  I fumble at my pocket in an attempt to quiet the obnoxious wailing (although no one can hear it but me through the constant hum of our spectroscopic equipment) and eventually manage to press the button without having to de-glove.  I look at the clock. 4:45pm.  Almost time to go home! I look at the computer screen at the 5 open spots om my excel sheet and calculate that I have about 20 minutes left of work before I cal fill in those blanks and go home.  I make a decision.  The low can wait.

In walks J, my supervisor.

J: “Hey Melanie, how’s the experiment going?”

Me: “Very well, I should be done in a few minutes and I think I’m seeing a pretty interesting trend in the data.”

J: “Excellent, let’s take a look…”

20 minutes later (and no cloer to being done). Me: Well, I’ll just finish this up, and head out.”

J: “Great!  So, tell me what you think about WonderBoy.”

Side note: WonderBoy is the new hire whom I share a hood with and have strong feelings about.  He is ironically named.

Me: “Well. ..” and I proceed to tell J about every little thing the guy does wrong that has annoyed me over the last 2 months. J has noticed many of these things too but I can see is beginning to see WB in a new light.  As I’m talking I will myself to stop.  WonderBoy will likely be fine in time, although he is certainly not meeting anyone’s expectations up to this point.

While we talk, I can feel my hands shaking as I try to clean my glassware and scrape a label off of a jar with a blade.  Dex begins to wail again.  This time I stop myself, deglove and look at Dex. “Low.”

Me: “I shouldn’t be doing this.”

J: “huh?”

Me: “Sorry.  I mean scraping off this label – I’m a but unfocused from having sat in the spectra room all day and playing with a blade is probably not a good idea.” I lie.  I set down the blade and tell J that I’ll finish cleaning in the morning.

I walk out of lab and head straight to my cube to chug a couple juiceboxes.  As my BG slowly returns to normal-person levels, I feel terrible about throwing Wonderboy under the bus.  Now, I wonder if I owe J, and possible WonderBoy an explanation. After all, I do have to work next to him for the indefinite future (although possibly less definite after I ran my mouth yesterday).